So this is ADHD

Adjusting to a new diagnosis of *more* neurodivergence at 41.

If you get decent grades, if people enjoy being around you, if you climb the workplace ladder, you can just raw dog ADHD well into adulthood. Like so many atypical conditions you can have in this life, it’s up to YOU the individual to call attention to it and get help from a doctor. If you don’t catch this shit in youth via some sort of intervention in the school system or from your parents, good luck to you.

At 39 I finally was granted an executive position at Kohl’s Corporate HQ in the product development department. It was a long grind in my career bouncing from department to department. Lateral moves to make upwards moves. Constantly out performing myself and taking on projects and responsibilities above my pay grade to prove I was ready for the next move.

While I was in this executive role leading a team it became apparent that my management style and approach to work was wildly different than that of my peers. The easy focus they had, the ability to remember all of the things. I had found the upper limits of my executive function. My once exquisite mask was starting to crack and I didn’t understand why. I had begun to dread each day. Everyday was an incredible lift and my once medically “tame-ish” anxiety was beginning to swell into a new somehow larger waves that were drowning me.

I have always struggled with anxiety. I just assumed everyone did. Pharmacological intervention became necessary at 31 when my one year old daughter started having seizures. Stress from my high pressure role as an account executive/producer running production in a high volume photo studio for Kohl’s already had me on edge. My daughter’s suffering pushed me over that edge. I mean, who wouldn’t get overwhelmed at the start of a medical journey where their only child is now showing signs of a dangerous neurological disorder?

I was having regular panic attacks at work and disassociating at my desk. The kiddo’s seizures came on with fevers at the outset, so my aversion towards sick people was thrown into hyper drive. Large meetings with people coughing set me off. I needed help surviving the day to day grind, toughing it out was no longer sustainable.

I met with my clinic doctor and she started me on 10MG of generic Lexapro. Success! No more panic attacks, just back to the regular hum of anxiety and riding the roller coaster of depression. I didn’t mention that before did I? Regular depression has always been a part of my life too.

Jumping back to me at 39, my realization that I was struggling to keep up at work felt easily explainable considering the past near decade: The horrors of the Covid-19 pandemic as a species, my daughter was diagnosed with Skraban-Deardorff Syndrome (a rare genetic disorder the causes sever intellectual disabilities and in some cases seizures), The American political chaos and turmoil of the Trump I that was then followed by the milquetoast failings of the Biden administration, and my own autoimmune disease diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Thryroididitis and the multi year journey to find the correct dosage of Synthroid. Needless to say, life had been chaotic enough at enough points that my ADHD continued to take back seat to everything else because most of my symptoms seemed easy to wave off because “shit had been weird”.

Right before the Holidays at 39 I was laid off in yet another wave of layoffs (that initially began in 2018. Fuck those guys.). I never was told why I was selected but after 15 years with the organization being higher end of the pay scale, it wasn’t hard to make some guesses. Now add feelings of intense failure to myself and my family. Financial strain as I was the primary source of income (since my wife does the much harder job of home schooling our intellectually disabled child). Frustrating at now at 40 looking at starting completely over, applying to over 400 jobs, only getting 5 interviews, and hired for none.

I was now at a near breaking point. I did find my way into self employment doing home painting, small repairs, and small remodles for folks. It wasn’t without it’s stresses and the anxiety continued to swell yet again. Again in life now despite medication, becoming unmanageable.

I talked with my doctor about upping my meds from 10MG to 20MG. He agreed and we made the switch. What. A. Difference. Instead of constantly standing on the precipice of panic attack canyon, my anxiety now is a subtle hum that I actually feel like I can work through now. I observe it, recognize it, and can usually move past it. This is new. This is a big deal! I also realized I should have upped my dose long ago. Oh well, better late than never. But again, in the background as a foundation were ALL of the ADHD symptoms that were masked by the gaping wound of anxiety. With the wound closed and the bleeding stopped, now I can actually acknowledge my core challenges.

The point of this long winded story is for those that were like me. Those that didn’t realize there was more there. Those that just assumed that all their challenges are “normal parts of life” or are being hidden by another challenge. I’m 41 and finally figuring myself out. It’s never too late to make steps to get yourself to a better place.

That being said… I’m still mostly a hot mess. Focus is hard, organization is hard, brain fog is real, forgetting where I put my stuff moments ago is a wild journey of daily self sabotage, forgetting why I have walked into a room is a constant journey of wonder and surprise, sudden frustration wich unexpected changes is hard to control in weaker moments and in my spaces I have allowed my guard down (those that I worked with would never have known this because my mask at work was EXQUISITE), etc etc etc. I haven’t decided yet if I will pursue meds because they can cause more anxiety which I’m not sure I’m ready to return to. Part of my feels like this could be navigable through no medical avenues since I’ve been raw dogging ADHD for 41 years at this point with some degree of success. I’m sitting here feeling hopeful and relieved because I can finally define my struggle and pursue a path with greater clarity.